This is real

As my last day in Washington comes to an end, it's hard to not look back and think of all the fun and hard times that have happened out here.  It's hard to imagine that about 11 hours ago I was sitting on the floor thinking of ways that I could back out of this last day.  Maybe if I called in and said that I  changed my mind and wouldn't be going.  Maybe if I called in sick?  That always got me out of things that I didn't want to do when I was in school, so it should work now, right?  Around 1 am this morning, all the memories flooded into my mind.  My first day as a college student.  How I when I first moved out here and thought I was some cool stuff for living in a "city".  How I got a B in math!  Now that was something to be proud of!  How I was able to meet some of the coolest people out here and build relationships with them.  How my family made a huge impact on some of the decisions that i made.  How I had my car stolen, and witnessed a miracle by having it returned.  How I had a love hate relationship with my job.  How I was able to witness to some amazing people.  This morning was one of the hardest mornings for me.  I knew that the goodbyes were going to happen today.  That I would have to face the fact that I had to pack my bag up, put it back on, and walk onto that plane tomorrow.  That I probably had one of my last hot showers.  This morning it hit me that yes, I am a missionary, and this is real.  It's no longer a plan that I am telling people about.  This morning I felt Jesus place his hands on my shoulders, and remind me that I'm not doing this for myself and I'm not alone.  He reminded me that this is all for him.  I heard him ask who he was going to send 10 months ago.  I heard him remind me of the promise I made of giving him 100% of me.  I heard him call me by name, say it's time to get up and let go.  Let go of all of the things that were holding me back.  "Jessica, will you follow me?"  He asked me to unclench my fists and place my hands in his and make the decision as to whether or not i was going to follow him.  He gave me a decision to make, and waited patiently.

This life I've chosen isn't going to be easy.  It's going to be intense, and we are all going to be attacked constantly.  It's exciting that 64 people heard the call, and are willing to go, but this is one of the biggest steps of faith that I have taken.  This time, next year, I'm going to be a completly new person.  I'm going to face battles and challenges that I can't even imagine.  This morning, I made my decision.

After sitting in his presence and having him wait patiently for me to respond, I finally gave him my answer.  I wiped my tears away, unclenched my fists, letting go of all that was holding me back, and placed my hands in his.  I made the decision that I am going to follow.

It's real now.  Passport Immersion is no longer a plan.  I'm a missionary stepping out into the world getting ready to step into the face of danger.  I'm ready to love people and serve Jesus.  This is my new life.  This is happening in about 8 hours.  I've done the hardest part, saying the goodbyes, and now the adventure begins.  I am ready.