Jesus and a loaf of bread

It’s a cold night in Johannesburg South Africa. The squad and I finished our night of worship together with many fallen tears. Reality hits as the days until we arrive at home come closer and closer. I walk out of my hot shower which has become so foreign to me after all of the cold bucket showers that I have taken. As I walk into my room, I grab my loaf of bread that was supposed to be lunch and climb up on top of my bed. The sounds of a keyboard type away as my team mate sits next to me as she types out a blog. As the minutes pass by, I continue to sit in silence and eat my dinner. Before I know it, the familiar burn in the back of my throat begins to happen, and I can begin to feel the tears build up in my eyes. It has never truly hit me that my time to come back to the States has come. My whole world is about to be flipped upside down in just a matter of a couple days. I will no longer be with the people that know me just as much as I know them. The days of set ministry are over, and I will somehow have to find a way to fit back into the world that has become so familiar with me. Just then, God whispers something to me: “Jessica, are you willing?” Am I willing? That same question seemed so familiar and so foreign. It was the same question that God asked me before I signed up for this trip. Was I willing to give everything up? Was I willing to get wrecked and have my whole world flip upside down? Was I willing to step out in faith and trust that God will provide and take care of me? Was I willing? Yes was the answer to all of questions. I had a burning desire to say yes, and when I was accepted into this trip, it was all that I could talk about. And now, over a year later, the same God was asking me if I was willing again. Am I willing to step into a new season, give everything that I have come to know up, go back home, and even to step into the unknown all over again? Am I willing?
When I first signed up for this trip, I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. First, $12,000 didn’t seem like a lot, until 5 months later when I was getting close to the dead line of having half the money when I was only a fourth of the way there. Then, I had had no idea the hardships I would face on this trip. Living with 50 other people that I didn’t know, and learning to fall in love with people and then letting them go, the enemy always trying to trip me up and sending attacks towards my squad and I, and even getting sick who knows how many times. If I had any idea what exactly I was getting myself into when I signed up, I probably would have thought about it a little more. But as I reflected on how hard this trip has been God reminded me the sweetness of this trip: Living in a children’s home, learning how to decide the difference between my Father’s voice, my voice, and the enemy’s voice. The faces I have met that come along with the stories. The change that has happened inside of me as God has constantly revealed himself to me and showed me who He is forming me into. The friendships that I have made, and that will be long lasting. The moments when God has truly romanced me, whether through a child or a one on one with Him. What’s crazy, was this all started with one question that God asked me: Am I willing?
And as I sat there with my loaf of bread in hand, God asked me the same question that He asked me over a year ago: “Jessica, are you willing?” Am I willing to give all this up? To give my love for the nations up and go back home for a season that I don’t know the length to? Am I willing to step back into the unknown, and with people who I feel don’t know me as well as the 6 strangers that I spent 9 months with do? Am I willing? Yes. I am willing. But just because I am willing doesn’t mean that this is my desire or that it’s easy for me. It’s so hard for me to accept that I will be leaving the nations for a season. It’s so hard for to accept that I won’t meet most of the people that I met on this trip ever again. It’s hard for me to say goodbye to this life that I has come to be so familiar and that I have fallen in love with. Just like when Jesus was praying before He was betrayed, He willing, but He didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want to die, but He was willing. It was His Father’s will that He give himself up for us, and look what came of it, just because He was willing.
So as I finished that loaf of bread in my silence, tears came down as I once again said yes. I am willing. I’m willing to go into the unknown all over again, give everything up that I have loved, and step into a new and completely different season of life that will be so full, and so hard. God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.