Walking Out Love
The other day, I was able to talk to someone really close to me on Skype. This person has been a huge part of my life and has encouraged me so much as I continue this journey not only on the field, but also with my walk with Christ. However, they said something that really upset me, and for a minute, I thought I was upset and actually mad at that person. I remember getting off of Skype and telling my team that I was on the verge of a mental break down, and I was going to become a hermit by hiding under the blankets.
When I was talking to this person, they asked me one of the simplest and known questions that any missionary would be asked: "Have you been able to spread the gospel?" When they asked me this question, I felt like I was such a failure, and I thought that was a dagger directed towards me as a person and defined my success as a missionary. The reason it was so upsetting was because I knew the answer. The answer is no. I then tired to explain that I don't speak spanish, which I don't, and I tried to make up a reason on why I haven't done that. As soon as I got off Skype, I felt like the biggest failure with my new job. I even then questioned as to why I was here, and why The Lord actually called me to spend 2 amazing weeks with him instead of spreading the gospel. My team had to deal with a very distressed Jess (or crab, considering that has been my nick name here). My team kept telling me that it shouldn't matter what people think I should be doing, and that our ministry was very different. We don't know the language, and God has called us to walk out a different kind of ministry. That didn't help any, mainly because I felt like a failure and I all I wanted to was cry, so I cried. And thankfully this was when my lovely mom and dad stepped in.
Later that night, I got on Skype again, but this time to talk to my parents. I totally vented to them on what happened, how I felt like a failure, and because of that failure feeling that people thought that I just did this trip for fun, and not to grow. I explained on how much growth had happened these past, and how at times this is anything but fun. I explained the hard times and how there were moments when I honestly thought that I couldn't do anymore, and how those days were days when God and I had huge break throughs together. After about 5 minutes of me venting and starting to cry, my mom stepped in and pretty much made everything better. "Jess, there are so many types of ministry. You knew from the beginning that Jesus called you there to LOVE people. That is your ministry, and that is you spreading the gospel. You don't get to speak the language so you get to walk out the gospel. And when you post pictures of the people you meet, I see your success in that. I hear the success you have in the stories you have." That brought so much peace to me, because it's true.
I'll be honest with everyone. I haven't spread the gospel. I haven't sat down with someone and shared the story of God's love. And I can't promise that I will be able to do that this trip. My ministry has been different compared to the typical image of a missionary. My ministry has been to love people. I have fallen in love so many times on this trip, and had to say goodbye and feel my heart break so many times on this trip. I fell in love with a girl who completely took my heart away in Honduras at Gracie's. Her name was Maria, and God gave us a month of time to spend together until I had to completely give her up. I heard her say "You and your friends have shown me so much love." At the same place, I fell in love with a girl named Malagros and her baby Genesis. She was such a little sister to me, and I got to watch her grow and learn how to become a mother at 15. My heart broke so hard when I had to leave those 2 girls. In Guatemala, I fell in love with a woman who sat on the street outside the shop begging for food or money. I prayed with her once, and she cried in my arms. I prayed in English, and God did the rest from there. I was able to show her His love. In the village that we lived in for 2 weeks, I fell in love with kids that I never expected to meet. I loved them by playing soccer with them and teaching them English. Every day they would always ask us when we would come back and play with them. On the last day, we had to say that we needed to go back to Honduras. We walked away to them saying they loved us in spanish. We showed them the love of the Father just by playing with them for and hour and a half a day.
Guys, this has been my ministry. I haven't sat down and had a conversation about the gospel with someone yet. My ministry has been loving others, and ministering to my team and squad just as they minister and pour out to me. These are only a few of the stories that I have, when I could honestly write and write about how we have seen God's love and shown it. I am so happy with this form of ministry. It's hard, but I can't even begin to explain how much it's worth it. I'm a seed planter, and the harvest is going to be for the harvester that God has designed. And I absolutely love my form of ministry, and I can say that I am a successful missionary.
