5 Months Ago…
I line up with about 60 other people. We all take our stance, and wait. Eagerness and excitement fills the air as we all wait for the gunman to pull the trigger. Finally, after the long and anticipated few moments before the race begins, the gunman pulls the trigger, and we all take off. We run off hard, adrenaline pumping through our veins as we take our first few strides in our race. I look around me, and see everyone using perfect form, and pushing as hard as they can. I look at myself and find myself doing the exact same thing. Everything is looking good, or at least just as it should. The race has begun, and we all are running hard.
Now…
I’m running, but I have been running for a long time now. I’m trying to give it all I have, all 100%, but I have been running hard for a long time. My body feels it, as it begins to ache with each new stride that I take. I begin to feel blisters that have began to form, sore spots, things that I have tired my hardest to tuck away and just ignore. I’m hot, sweaty, dirty, and above all, tired. I look around me, and I see others behind me, some in front, and my heart breaks for the ones that had to drop out of the race. I see others in a slow jog, some have even stopped to walk, and some are with me, trying their hardest to keep running as hard as they can. I look at myself and realize that yes, I have slow down too.
My race is officially more than half over now. It’s so hard for me to believe that the 9 month journey that I signed up for over a year ago will actually come to an end. As I continue to keep in contact with people, so many of the same questions keep coming up: “How’s your trip?”, “Have you learned anything?”, “What has broken your heart the most?”, or my favorite: “How is your heart?” Every new email I receive, new Facebook message, or even on Skype, I have had at least one of these questions asked. Every time I hear one of these questions, I try my hardest to make the answer as small as I can and tell the people what they want to hear. The truth is, I don’t want to answer them. I haven’t wanted to open those sore spots that have developed, or take all the energy that it is required to be as honest as I can with those type of questions. But as I enter in the down hill part of my trip, it’s time to share where I’m at, and how these past 5 months have been…
“What have you experienced?” I have experienced a lot. I have held 2 children who had cerebral palsy, and have experienced what their life looks like. At every single transportation stop I have been to, I have had children running up to me, begging to be played with or held, begging for money, doing anything for money, or I have had multiple strange men propose to me. As I walked through a squatter village, I have seen poverty at it’s worst, but I have seen those people give everything they have. Everyday that I continue to live at the Children’s Home, I am greeted with smiling faces, but behind those faces are stories of sexually abused, abandoned, trafficked, raped children. I have met and absolutely fell in love with 4 children who were found tied up to a fence on a dog leash. I have seen the surprised looks on peoples faces and seen the thought “you really care about me” enter their mind as I simply ask how their day was. I have shown abused kids more love than their parents had. I have loved on children who were abused, and knowing that they were going to go back home and be abused again that night. I have met people where I want to give them everything, when really God is saying “Give them love.” I have seen and experienced so much heaviness that I willfully pushed it away so I wouldn’t have to exert all the energy into explaining it.
“So how are you doing?” As I begin to answer this question, so many emotions fill me up. Joy, sorrow, anger, hatred, happiness, sometimes I just feel like a bundle of emotions waiting to burst. The best way to describe it, is I feel so broken, tired, and so happy at the same time. Everyday, I find myself praying the same prayer “Papa, give me the strength that I am going to need today. Help me see you in ways that I couldn’t before.” My heart is completely broken. I have seen and witnessed so many broken things that my heart couldn’t help but break. I have fallen in love with so many people and then had to leave them or give them up to the Father. I am tired, because I have been running for a long time now. I have been giving my 100% for 5 months now, and I can begin to feel it catch up with me. I can feel all the long days and even restless nights as they slowly start to catch up with me. However, I am so happy because this is exactly where the Father has put me. He has been able to show me joy through all of this, and has helped me to keep running strong, and to push through the uphill battles that I have faced. He has given me joy as I rock an abandoned baby to sleep, or see the surprise in a strangers eyes as I ask them how they are doing. God has given me a choice to make as I signed up for all of this “life changing” trip that I am in, and that is to choose joy over the sorrowful things that I have encountered in my race. It brings me joy as I play basketball and become all nasty and dirty. It brings me joy when I hear a child’s laugh as I play with them. That joy doesn’t come from a human, but straight from the Father as it brings Him joy.
“So, where are you at in your race?” It’s just like any other race when you get to the middle. I’m tired. I have been running for a long time, and a lot is starting to catch up with me. I have sore spots now, and painful blisters are starting to form. However, I’m still running. I’m pushing myself and relying on the other racers as we all support each other. I’m not walking or jogging, but actually running. This race has changed me, in fact I often feel like a completely different person at some times, but it has been a beautiful process. So as I keep running, I keep my eyes focused on my Savior, the one who actually brought me here, and with that, I keep running strong.
