Learning to Surrender

"Hey, what's your name?" "My name is Alvin, but you can just call me handsome."  That was the first conversation I had with one of the boys that God placed in this Children's Home on the first night that my team and I arrived.  Alvin and Jonathan were two boys that I drew pretty close too.  My ministry has been with the boys which normally consists of playing basketball with the boys for close to 2 hours a day, five days a week.  It wasn't just a coincidence that God placed me with the boys, and specifically these two boys who more than anything loved to hang out by playing our favorite sport, basketball, or even just sitting and talking.  At first, these boys were like brothers to me, but then our friendship continued deeper, and every time I was out of the Children's home, I found myself saying "I just want to be with my boys right now."  It was without a doubt that these two boys stole my heart away, and had a huge place in my heart.  I felt like a motherly figure to them, as they were my boys.
A few days ago, we had a situation happen with these two boys that caused them to be moved to a new orphanage.  When I found out what happened, I was livid.  I needed to pull away and spend time with my Father, process as much as I could in the couple hours that I had, and even vent to my team.  When we came back from Starbucks, I heard my Father say to me "Jessica, I am just as jealous for them as I am for you."  It became very clear that my boys made a mistake.  I found out that they are human, and struggle with sin…just like me.  When I came home, I saw both of them sitting by the basketball hoop.  It took everything in me to let go of all of the anger I had.  "Jessica, I need you to go sit with them."  So I went over and just sat there with my boys, on the basketball court where our relationship formed.  We didn't say anything for about 15 minutes, until Jonathan spoke up. "Tita, I made a mistake."  My boy, who I loved so much more than he could ever imagine, looked me in the eye, and all I could see was a boy who had so much regret and disappointment in himself.  Images of his story fled into my mind, and  I was then able to hear everything from their side of what happened.  I knew it wasn't my job to speak, but to listen.  The social worker came over and told them it was time for them to pack their stuff up.  "Jessica, I need you to be here.  I need you upstairs with them."  So I stayed back with the rest of my team from worship, and helped them pack their few belongings.  The social worker wanted to talk to them, so I went downstairs and waited…
I sat down there, for at least a half an hour, waiting for my boys to come down and say the final goodbye.  I tried to fight back all the emotion that was building up inside of me, until I saw both of them come down the stairs, sobbing, and running into my arms.  It was then my time to speak, so the Father spoke through me.  "Jonathan, you're a good person.  You will make it through this." Was one of the things I found myself saying, while Jonathan was sobbing and saying he wasn't going to make it.  The time came when the goodbye had to happen.  He ran into my arms and said "Tita, I love you so much!" And I had to let them go.
That hardest part of this trip has been the goodbyes.  It has been so hard to walk into someone's life, hear their story, have them steal your heart away, and then leave.  In Honduras, God taught me how to place someone I loved so much into his arms, and how to trust that He will take care of them with knowing that I will never see them again.  I thought that I wouldn't have to do that again, or go through that pain at least.  However, that night when I had to say goodbye, I sat with my Father for a while.  "Jessica, I need you trust me with these two boys.  I placed you with them for the perfect amount of time, and now it's time to give them back, and trust that I will take care of them, just as I take care of you."  I had to relearn all the emotion and hardness it takes to surrender someone you love so much to the Father.  I was only with Jonathan and Alvin for a month, but during that month I was able to build a beautiful relationship with them.  I was able to pour 100% of myself out to them, and constantly point them to the Father, and show them what His love looks like.  I felt like their mother, and that no one could possibly love them as much as I did.  But the goodbye came, it creeped up on me, threw a curve ball, but I had to give them back to the one who loves them much more than I ever could.  And when I released them over, I knew that my boys couldn't be in any better hands than the one who made them.